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TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2007 2:45AM (SEOUL, KOREA TIME)

so summer's over.
ahhahaa school is back in session bitch.

geezus
on the one hand it feels like the last six months went by so quickly i can't even believe it. on the other hand it feels like it's been six fucking years.

i know i have a lot of catching up to do. i didn't realize at all how much time this Forum thingie i launched was going to eat up. it kind of took off all on its own in this really freaky wayward direction and now it's as though i'm taking care of some hyper little shihtzu all day long. y'know-- one that's like totally adorable and cuddly and scrunchy and stuff, but yaps its head off incessantly whenever it gets excited and pisses all over the fucking house.

ohmygawd where do i even begin?

oh! yah
so peoples have been really nice, every once in a while somebody will ask me "when'sthenextbook? when'sthenextbook?" which is really so sweet and heartwarming.
but i always have the same answer for them "oh soon... but it needs an ending..."

oh i guess that's another reason i've been neglectful too-- maybe without any "ending" in sight, the diary thingie just took a total back seat. or more like even a whole other different car or something.
ugh sometimes the mere thought of sitting down in front of my laptop to rehash the hours or days or weeks or whatever has seemed so utterly ridiculous to me.

but! now i guess the "ending" is in sight. and it's funny cuz it's pretty much the very same "ending" i kind of have been waiting for.
eeheee i remember i once remarked to someone who was kind enough to inquire about the next book: "i'd have to get married or pregnant or arrested or some shit."
well thank goodness it's the "some shit" and not one of the other three.

but yah so anyways. here it is
the beginning of the end.
(and i think it's maybe a pretty decent "ending" too-- even i'm really really curious to see exactly what happens next.)

anyhoo. i guess i should try to catch the diary up with all the goings on the last few months. lessee...
i left off in March, i just worked on the Restaurant Industry Forum thingie for most of the month until it launched like on the 18th or 19th or whatever the hells day it was.

oh!! mygawd. YOU HAVE NO IDEA

well.

it was really so so totally wackadoo cuz on like the SECOND DAY this Forum thing was up and running, i suddenly get this new self-registered "member" named "Brook" who logged online and just started commenting--
she flipped her lid like way the fuck out there.
and get this!

she starts bitching about Mogul (MY Mogul!) and how she "used to work for" him and that she "can't wait to see him fail." and she was really mean too she called him nasty ugly names which was so totally completely uncalled for.

and so OF COURSE immediately i get all riled up (but kinda a little inwardly thrilled too-- how this totally major industry "issue" just like boom landed right smack in my frikkin lap ahahahaa) and i go ahead and tell that creepy bitch off.
i didn't really have much to go on except my instinct, but i was 100%SURE without any proof at all that psycho whacked out Freak was Mogul's former chef. i mean, who ELSE would say such utter retardo shit, acting all haughty and uppity like she's God's gift to fucking spaghetti?

and so i smacked that Freak down (ahahaa old school mackdaddy-affleck style) with one fell swoop i made that dumb rabid cunt look straight up stupid.

wouldn't you know like a couple days later i would be informed the i.p. address of that particular commenter is from the very same bank as where Mogul's former chef's girlfriend works.
is that a coincidence?? mhmmp. yah whatever. you decide.

ANYWAYS
so THEN it turns out this former Mogul's chef is BFF's or some shit with one of the writers of this OTHER restaurant website bloggetty blog thingie.
are you keeping up so far? wait it gets better

so now THIS particuiar website (it's called eateroofucker.com or something like that) then jumps ALL OVER MY SHIT i am not even kidding this is not a joke at all.
okay did you catch that? let's rewind for a second--
1) crazy bitchface Freak logs on and says mean things about my sweet little Moogooloo
2) i defend him-- and actually pretty civilly mind you, considering.
3) other (supposedly objective) restaurant bloggetty blog thingie then shits all over ME.

whatever. let's move on.

oh ahahah hah ahaha hahaaha so then GET THIS

like the NEXT DAY, a grasshopper-- yah you heard right i said a goddamned mutherfukking GRASSHOPPER-- (fully formed and practically still alive an'shit) ends up INSIDE a luncheon sandwich wrap (all smiley and posing for the cameras-- no joke with Lighting, Makeup, Hair and the whole fucking bit) that just HAPPENS to be sold -- guess where!-- from one of Mogul's multitudinous mogully joints.

and just WHERE does this fabulous beautiful masterpiece of a Demarchelier grasshopper end up, you ask? why, in the e-mail inbox of eateroofucker.com of course!! sent to them ANONYMOUSLY no less.
nizzle what? you read that right mutherfukker don't make me repeat myself.

ha ha ha ahahah ahaa you think i can make this shit up? i can't.

yah so. that all happened the first few days of the Forum thingie.
dude. it's been some crazy virtual e-rollercoaster funhouse ride ever since.

OH. so that reminds me!
the other reason i suddenly am sick and tired of talking to e-bitches all day and now am dying to go back to just talking to myself.

yah so here i am... minding my own business (literally, i mean)... taking care of this pissy little shihtzu... and suddenly again TOTALLY OUT OF NOWHERES some other "food blog scandal" pops up.

and it's this new bloggettyblogger named Sympathy For the Restaurant Industry ("S4RI" for short) and apparently what they do is tell stories about silly F&Bers but instead of giving it all up straight in yer face like i do, they add flowery adjectives and descriptive settings and high falutin made up names for all the "characters" getting all thinly veiled roman à clef up in yer ass.
i guess it's for peoples who hate real life but love Dallas and Dynasty and Days of Our Lives.

now. just take a GUESS who suddenly gets the heat on this one too.
okay ya got that? the FIRE is way the fuck out in mutherfukking santa-fe or some shit and bitches HERE in NY are blasting ME with the bigassed water hose.

and like, look don't get me wrong it's not as if i mind or anything. cuz the "new foodblog scandal" thingie is actually pretty decent. and funny. and engaging. and pretty enthralling. evidently

but then! fucking gawker.com jumps all over my friggin waterlogged ass.
AGAIN i should say. for absolutely no fucking reason at all. AS USUAL.

no seriously i am not even kidding. i was so livid reading all this shit about how i'm "napoleonic" and "batshit crazy" and filled with "vitriol and petty anger" how it's merely MY "PERCEPTION" that the restaurant industry is filled with "perfidious backstabbing" (as though johnny-g ISN'T dealing with a fucking class action lawsuit for allegedly STEALING TIPS FROM HIS EMPLOYEES this very fucking minute as we speak, right?)

i swear to gawd i was so ready to ride my badassed ninja straight into that crosby street office and slap that stupid josh-stein ignorasshole straight across his mutherfukking face.

but did i? nooooo of course i didn't.
i took deep breaths and counted to ten. and then i whipped out this totally awesome Gabriel Garcia Marquez quote in response.
that's it. that's all i did.
do you think it made this josh-stein creepface fuckwit realize what a complete numbnut douchebag shitface he was being?
i hope so!

the thing that gets me SO MAD is that RIGHT at the very same moment all this bullshit is happening, this uhh pretty powerful umm executive type person is googling my name and WHAT do you think is the first thing that pops up?

"Abbe Diaz is Batshit Crazy."

and do you think gawker.com BOTHERED to acknowledge my totally awesome brilliant response and amend their "item" on me? no of course they didn't THOSE COCKSUCKING MUTHERFUKKERS.

you don't even know. i am so tempted to e-write "Joshua David Stein is a Syphilitic Wife Beater with Pedophilic Tendencies and a Laughably Tiny Little Penis" and post that shit all over the interwebs and then hire one of those scammy companies with all the indians in the cubicles who do nothing but click on links all day trying to raise hit counts so it climbs to the top of the google lists.

but i won't.
because as per usual i have a feeling theForce will take care of josh-stein (and me) JUST FINE.

okay that's it i've had enough recounting for now i'm so exhausted.
did i mention i'm in seoul, korea? well i am.

oh hah haaa i'll have to tell more about it tomorrow. i'm so jetlagged right now i can't see straight anymore.

september 4, 2007 "school is back in session bitch" • COMMENT on this entry (registration required)